grappling

 On R’s Rue, my other blog, someone called me a Jesus influencer. If you need context, go to rsrue.blogspot.com where you can read and opine if you like. I don’t know if I’m an influencer even if it is for Jesus. I just desire that my heart replicates His love. That I’m a follower who does what’s right. A follower who doesn’t engage in debates that strip my soul of goodness. My life has taught me that nothing is given. 

I don’t know what I’d call this season. It’s had everything. Devastation, despair, hope, euphoria, then brought back to earth gently. It’s the season where I’m realizing the Bible is not a book for my whims. It’s for my daily life. Depression and anxiety have been a part of my story for so long, that I accepted defeat. I accepted that delayed dreams don’t become reality after a certain age. I’ve been chasing an outcome, instead of trusting a process as one of favorite pastors mentioned. I’ve wanted His timing to align with mine. 

Christ followers, I hope you can see the flawed thinking in that last statement. I’ve been a true human. I lost the plot. And as a writer, once the plot is lost, you’re lost. Every stronghold and every wall is crumbling as I return to the faith of my youth. Where my love of Christ wasn’t held together by my misguided motives. 

Misguided motives

Lead to 

Misguided minds

And souls

Needing nourishment

But finding

It in 

The wrong 

Places and

Jammed spaces

Suffocated by

A world

I tried

To fit 

In until

It left

Me grappling

With my 

Own sanity

And humanity