The Rue

 Continuing from R’s Rue I don’t know if I’d mentioned that for awhile I have been listening to Pastor Rich Villodas. His sermons have been a balm to my spirit. I’m given hard hitting truth, but it a way that teaches, but doesn’t condemn. No fire and brimstone, but solid truth. I recently ordered his book, The Narrow Path. And as I’m in church today, the second song talks about the narrow way being hard, but it being the path I want to take. I should have realized my worship experience from song to preaching would turn me upside down. Turns out, I didn’t have a clue what my soul would endure. The sermon being about was it ‘worth it’ to follow God without question, without doubt, understanding waiting is not comfortable, but a part of the process. Was I willing to acknowledge its worth despite my years of waiting. I didn’t have time to contemplate this until the song that allows people to come forward, and make decisions. It was during this song that I remember what I had wanted for...

 Jesus My soul reels My heart aches And yet I remember We’re given Free will What we do With it Determines Whether We sink Or swim I’m learning Your teaching Is not  For my comfort I haven’t felt comfortable  Yet I’ve been Comforted Only by  The depth Of your love And that A promise You make Isn’t broken But not Always fulfilled Until I’m  The creation Who can handle The vastness Of its wide Magnitude

 In the shadow Of the Cross Is a humility That belies A Power That is Not misused Or abused The goodness Of the Father Son  And Holy  Ghost 

 Jesus, You remind me Again and again That as the  song says There is  Beauty  In what  I can’t understand And as a person Who desperately Needs to cling To Your hope Your promise I look to Better angels To show up Show out And be  The light I can only Pray that When you  See me You are shown The light That displays His love

 Finding joy Amidst the Uncertainty Pain And doubt Seeking the Face Of the One Who saves My soul And warms My heart May your being Be made whole At the best Of the  Omnipotent One

 Christ In me Within me The joy Of my being Is directly  Related To Your Holiness As I rise May I  Be reminded That every  Plan and purpose Must me Your approval I am nothing Without you And with you I’m wholly Wholly yours

 As I was in church this morning, it was Deacon Ordination. As I was listening today, I wondered how well it is that I serve. There are many limitations to traditional avenues of service in my daily life. I often feel like I have to be served than serve. And that battle is one I fight daily. Since, I serve in such a different way, it is the sincerest hope of my heart that I do it well.  I tell people often:  kindness costs nothing. I can’t give you much, but kindness, that I can give.  How well do you serve? Happy Sunday Regine

 God, Your goal for me is to be fully present in Your Presence. I was going to get a Powerball ticket, but decided against it. You want me where I’m at right in this moment. Writing and keeping my focus on you. The pursuit of more millions than I can count would possibly ease some problems, but it would cause others. I would end up in me serving the wrong master. I know it. I’ve served the wrong masters for years, and it has had disastrous consequences. I still serve the wrong master more days than I’d like to admit.  I tell myself if I had this, I’d be happy, but after listening to a clip of some preaching, I realize how wrong I am. I have to learn to be content in the now. The right now. I’ve been in one of the hardest seasons for a while now, and it is only bearing fruit now. Why, you ask?  It’s because I’m finally listening. I’m not trying to figure it out. Fixing me is not the goal. There is nothing to fix, but how I view God.  God is not a genie in a lamp who g...

 Paddling out of bed, doing a set of rowing stretches, cracking and craning the neck is my position. I await the big bordoodle to give me my morning smooches. She demands reciprocation, and who honestly says no to a dog. I give her love, and as I set about routine, she upends it.  God is upending my routine in every way possible. I’m trying new avenues of expression, and it scares me. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for it, but try I must.  As wading in waters with a cross on my ears, on my neck, the heart undertakes a new journey with no guarantee of success. What if failure can free you more than success ever could.  Diamonds surround Rubies refine The crashing waves  Bring sand To the toes beds As a cashmere Throw cups Shoulder blades And my soul Is finding  Solace In the  Only audible  Voice  Being His

 My three Russian words I know since you asked.  Dah for yes Net for no Spasibo for thank you.  It’s ironic this is how I treat God. A yes for when you answer like I hope you do. No, with severe inflection and intonation when you don’t. And thank you, well that’s more nuanced. I have to be reminded to utter that one phrase whether I praise or continue to pray.  Let me say I don’t have a clue what He’s doing. I’m in the trust and obey phase. More than ever. Those two words sum it all up.  Those hymns  Speak life Into dead bones More than humans Ever dared to  Believe

 As I’m sitting here, I’m thinking about something so true. My mom was watching Dr.Zhivago, and a line in the movie is sticking with me. ‘Nobody loves poetry like a Russian.’  My ancestry would determine that that is indeed a fact. I’m a Russian/Ukrainian/Romanian to my core. Poetry may not sell, but it soothes my soul. It allows me to excise the pain from my soul. It allows me to tell a story, mine.  I’ve known privilege. I’ve known pain. I’ve known joy. And you all bear witness to it all. I’m grateful you do so, and do so willingly. Thank you for humoring me. Honoring me. Loving me. I only know three Russian words, so I don’t know how soon I will be able to write in Russian.  My soul Finds Peace In the Written word